Day 26

Days in Review: The day before the funeral I went to see my cousins on my grandfather's side of the family. My little cousin, Nick, is super cute. I just had to post something :D.

The funeral was really awkward. My mum started to tear up as soon as we entered and my sister started to cry when my cousin went up to give her speech. I don't really know what I was feeling; I was completely dazed because I had to take some benadryl. My arms were fully covered in hives that stung. I made it back to the hotel after the repast and immediately felt a bit better. My cousin pulled me out of my room around 12 to show me something she saw from the hotel's window that had us laughing. Better than pay-per-view, haha ;P. Our flight left at 7 the next morning and we were in NY by 11am. The power was out in my neighborhood due to the half rain, half hurricane disaster that hit NY Saturday so we spent some hours in the mall walking around. The movie theater and a lot of stores were out too. The mango-banana smoothie I had made up for it all though :D.

"I get pulled in so easily, so readily...The beating of my heart is an echo of the overwhelming desire that lies within. Can't allow myself to disappear..."

I made a decision. I made a decision, one for the better. One that shattered the very core of my happiness, but it had to be done. I needed to break it in order to rebuild a stronger, more solid, structure. I did what was best even if I knew I'd long for what I was letting go of.

I understand this. I do. I thought I had fully healed that wound; I thought I was ready to start anew.

It hasn't healed and I'm not ready. I'm weak, easily susceptible to the allure of what I thought I had successfully gotten rid of. I'm falling back in. I want to. I don't want to. Can I deal with another rollercoaster ride of emotions? Another bout of intermittent heartache?

We're speaking again...and I enjoy it, look forward to it, a little too much. There's so much history there. I get lost in all of it when we talk. Happiness shrouded in unhappiness.

Move on..?

I want to. I don't want to. I do. I don't.

Miscellaneous Stuff Time:

Navraj got into John Jay. Happy for him.

Stacey's texts make school tolerable. :).

Bombed a Physics test...again. =X

Really enjoying James Baldwin's "Giovanni's Room".

Student vs. Faculty event this Friday.

The Runaways (limited release) and The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo come out this Friday!!! :D

My birthday is on Sunday and I haven't decided what I want to do.

GLAAD awards :D

10-Year-Old Will Phillips' Moving Speech at the GLAAD Awards. (Found on Afterellen)