Dear Blog,

Don't hate me for leaving you for Tumblr. It wasn't intentional. Things just happen. I want you to know that I'm doing well, love. So don't worry. Don't think I've completely forgotten about you. I think of you often, actually. A lot has happened since I last wrote. Where has the time gone? Sigh, I'll write from time to time. Although they may be infrequent, they will never lack validity or veracity.

Forever Yours,
Yasmene

Happy?

As unsatisfying as quickies usually are, here's one :P. Today was a turn around, mood-wise, and I couldn't help myself. :). These moments are extremely rare.




I also bought:


Oh and I officially use tumblr now.

Yesterday

[Insert upside down exclamation mark] FELIZ CINCO DE MAYO!

Have a virtual tequila shot on me, haha. Click here.

Stacey, watch until the end :).

Sorry in advance. Today was a really tough day for me and I feel rather lackadaisical :/.

Miscellaneous Stuff Time:

Shows you probably aren't (haven't) watching (watched) but should be :

The United States of Tara (Showtime)
Nurse Jackie (Showtime)
Skins (UK)
Oh, and the L Word of course, haha ;)
South of Nowhere if you like that teeny love drama stuff. Afterellen is streaming Season 1 for free.

Check 'em out if you have the time.

Kick-Ass was good, A Nightmare on Elm Street was dreadful.

I went to a diner in Union Sq. (NY) with a friend and his friend around 12 AM on Saturday and this former ANTM contestant was our waitress:

She looked different, but I immediately recognized her because her personality on the show was so OUT there and distinct. I didn't mention anything to the people I was with until we paid our bill. I had a really great time that night despite the sucky movie (A Nightmare on Elm Street). We walked 30 blocks for great pancakes and burgers (for them)...but it was fun, haha. All the clubs we passed by on Chelsea made me want to party. I was the youngest one, my friend, Jason, is 20 and his friend, Natalia, is 21, haha, so it was really awkward.

Cyndi Lauper is absolutely amazing. Click here for more info.

It's Time To Dance

"HEY, Yas! Why are you wearing a winter hat in spring...?"

"Cause it feels like Christmas time everytime I see you, baby."

Only watch if you have the time. If not, get straight to business, skip the foreplay, and go on down ;D...haha...(sorry. I just had to).

I've missed you, really.

Hives...Hives...Oh, Hives! Where art thou? :D. Gonest, thou arts...

Yeah, so the medication the allergist prescribed has decreased the amount of hives I usually get. I'm really excited about the possibility of me NOT having to deal with them anymore. Pure joy. A burden has been lifted and boy, am I grateful. This is just the first two days, we'll see if this moment will last.

I'm getting rid of a lot lately. It's a nice feeling. Knowing that I'm free helps with my mood shifts for sure. Along with the positive release...I've been distancing myself from other people. It doesn't help longing for something that I obviously CAN'T have. It's gotten to the point where even our friendship is too much to bear. I try my best to ignore them in school. It just messes up my emotions. Well, as much as I like that person, maybe it's best if we just part ways. Not that I would ever admit to anyone how I feel, haha. That would be a little too awkward. Summer is so near. I need to get away.

Someone at school has recently shown some serious interest in me and it's getting a little too much to handle. I always get the creepy people, in a bad way. (Watch the video above for more info).

Our tennis team is going to the playoffs! We're 9-0 so far. Our team is amazing. :D.

My dad is returning next month...I think...Yay?

I'm moving to tumblr...soon...

Miscellaneous Stuff Time:

Following video is just stupidity...Don't watch ;)

I Write Sins Not Tragedies

I'm sitting in Finance. My mind is racing, pacing. Nothing to do but to think about you. I travel through the multi-colored corridors of my mind and all I see is you...and you...and you. Suddenly the colors fade and the walls are a deep black. I start to think about me. Just me. I can no longer see. Arms outstretched I feel for the dark walls. My fingers graze air. There's nothing there. Vast emptiness surrounds me and my knees tremble. I sob loudly and my body fails me. Painfully, I hit the cold, dark floor. My tears flow incessantly. My heart rate steadily rises. My body, as if struck by lighting, jerks uncontrollably. I'm numb to the pain now. It's all over. I've let go, completely. I've given up, completely. I have one last thought, one last memory.

You.

The darkness dims and the colors return. The tears cease as I regain my strength. I claw at the reappeared wall for support.

You...and you...and you.

I can walk now.

I'm sitting in Finance. My mind is racing...pacing.

You and you and you alone.
_________________________________
The allergist I went to yesterday said that I'm highly allergic to birch trees, dust mites, and cat dander. I haven't humped any trees lately nor have I eaten any cat dander. It's probably those dust mites. Damn those microscopic bastards X__X.

The last three days have been really turbulent. The start of my week was amazing, but today was just extremely sad. Nothing in particular caused this, really. Those thoughts have just started to come back. I'm vulnerable now, they can easily overtake me. I have to practice my fake smile once again. My eyes will give me away instantly, but no one looks hard enough to notice anyway.

**Significance of the "I write sins not tragedies." title is that it was playing in my Finance class when I started to drift off.**

My first video...and I'm super camera shy...so...don't hold it against me, yo.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Bulletproof

First things first....

Hey there ツ. I haven't updated in awhile. This feels kind of weird...hmm. Okay, I'm just going to ignore the queer feelings and type about what I've neglected to update on.

Yesterday, on April 16, 2010, I participated in the National Day of Silence. It truly was an amazing experience. This was my first time participating. A few friends of mine did it last year, but they didn't go to the same school as I went to and I didn't want to be alone. Luckily, this year, a few other kids participated in my school and it went pretty well. I was nervous at first because I didn't know what kind of reaction I would get from my teachers and the other students, but I really didn't face much opposition. I slipped up a few times, but overall I stuck with it. There was a tennis match (we're 5-0 in the season so far by the way) after school and I had to have someone else call out my score for my opponent. I even gave the opposing team speaking cards explaining why I was silent. After the day was over it felt like I couldn't even speak at all. It was like I was afraid to hear my own voice. Besides, I didn't really have anything to say. The silence spoke volumes.

That Friday was also my school's annual international festival. Gosh, Friday was just an awesome, awesome day.

After the festival was over and everything was all cleaned up, I walked over to my bookbag and surprise, surprise...some lintlicking loserface decided to steal my umbrella. My phone had just shut down because it likes to do that sometimes so I couldn't call my mum for a rescue mission. It was pouring outside and I didn't have a jacket with a hood, not to mention all of the sport gear I was carrying severely weighed me down. I ended up borrowing a friend's phone and texting my mum repeatedly. It was pretty late at that time and my school's security guards were about to leave. I wasn't gonna stand outside in the rain getting soaked so I walked to dunkin donuts with a friend. Even through all of this I was still able to smile. As the rain picked up speed and I was successfully sopping wet, a smile escaped and it just wouldn't dissipate. My friend looked at me like I was crazy. Why the hell would I be smiling at a time like this? Through the foggy frames of my glasses I just stared at him with the stupidest, surest smile and he understood. I said nothing, but the silence said everything. We walked along, hand-in-hand, silently analyzing the profound meaning the day had for us. He didn't participate, but he knew how much it meant to me and I loved him for understanding that. Softly, I grasped his hand and interlocked our fingers, palm-to-palm, finger-between-finger. All of the positive energy I gathered that day was sent to him. He responded by holding on even tighter. After awhile of holding hands, I playfully pinched his palm and he let go. I just wanted him to know how much I cared, as a friend, and how much it meant to me that he was supporting what I was doing.

Did I mention I spoke to someone about starting the GSA? No? Well I did ツ. It's going to be a grueling process, but I'm in it for the long haul.

Friday...was...freaking...amazing. Wish I had written sooner, I had so much more to say.

*sigh*.

Miscellaneous Stuff Time:

I have an appointment with an allergist on Tuesday morning. *Fingers crossed*

Today is my grandfather's (on my mum's side) birthday .

My grandmother (on my dad's side) called me today asking if I got anymore piercings because she looked at my credit card statement. She's hilarious. She's okay now for the time being.

My little sister, Maya, told me I dressed like Ellen, haha.

I especially want a certain someone to read the lyrics of the song my title is linked to...you know who you are. I'll always care, but we need our space. ツ.

Random picture I took today on a random bed. Then I had some fun with it and produced this peculiar baby:

Break

I care less and less every day. You won't draw me back in. Just stop. Let me breathe.

I've moved on.

Darkness is seeping through once again. Why does this happen?

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

The Way That We Live

I feel really dreadful about my last post. I have to rethink and reorganize the purpose of this blog. No matter what drama is occurring in my life, I don't need to write about it on here. I wanted to use this blog as an escape from all of those issues. An escape from all of the ruckus and mayhem. But if I continue to focus my energy by getting in depth about all the meager drama, I'll only enhance it and make it more of an issue. My apologies. It's more to myself than to anyone else who's reading. I just have to learn how to contain that foolish side of me. The discerning side seems to be whittling away. Who I really am is even hiding from me now.

Alright, well I intend to redirect this blog, steering it in the opposite direction of my own personal drama. Not sure, just a more practical approach, I think, to restart with. First topic?

RAINBOWS & UNICORNS

Haha, kidding, kidding. I'm not too far off with rainbows, however...

Since I'm on break this week and I've been commanded to stay in the house and monitor the goings on of my mother's two other cubs, I've drifted back into the sweet fantasy world of "The L Word". I'm currently on Season 3 (had to skip over the 1st one because my cousin still hasn't given it back to me), where the Shane/Carmen relationship happens. One of my favorite scenes between them is when Shane has to wear a dress to meet Carmen's family at her little cousin's Quinceañera . I really did enjoy their relationship, but I've argued about this scene plenty of times before. In the vid below, around 0:51, Carmen says "quiero lamerte hasta que te vengas en mi boca mil veces", which means...haha, I won't type it, just watch. To me, it sounds okay, but to my spanish friends, they say she butchered it. Eh, I think she gets the point across. Give Sarah Shahi a break, she speaks English and Persian. You decide?

*Oh, if you have any issues with girls kissing girls or anything gay-esque, you probably shouldn't watch this vid...or read my blog, haha. Huge supporter of gay rights and equality; I'm damn proud of it.*

Gay or not gay, hispanic or not-so-hispanic, dress or no dress, this show is amazing. I've successfully proven this to my mother, my cousin, and a couple other friends. They love it, I love it, and if you don't? Well...that's great (wish you did...).


Anyone else want to see the light? I have all 6 seasons on DVD, give me a ring and I'll arrive promptly ;).

No mention of unicorns, sadly... It's okay, I'm just going to throw in a little splash of them right now.

Well that was rather gay of me....

In other news Jap gamers have a chance to become virtual rapists with the introduction of 'RapeLay'. The object of the game is quite simple, actually, rape. It's tedious trying to explain it further, so watch the vid below. (Found on CNN)

I'm displaced when it comes to my position on this. The budding feminist inside me, of course, opposes this fervidly. It's a blatant disrespect and violation of women. The fully grown gamer, however, is screaming FREEDOM (no, I don't suffer from DID). Hentai games have long been incorporating very brutal, violent depictions of sex into their products. Why is it now suddenly an outrage? This is no different from someone watching rape fantasy orientated porn. Yes, the gaming brings the reality of rape to new interactive heights, but I think it keeps those potential rapists at bay. It's providing them a more satisfactory fantasy. It's repulsive and deplorable, but these desires do exist. Not an excuse, it's fact.

Before you start to bombard me with "HOW?!", "WHY?!", and "WHAT?!", know that I'm neither here nor there on the matter. As nerdy as this is going to read...I'm going FDR and adopting a policy of neutrality.

Finally went to the doctor and SURPRISE! ...He referred me to an allergist, no duh. Turns out the lump in my neck is a swollen lymph node, thanks, Doc, for confirming my thoughts...Sucky sucky, yes.

Miscellaneous Stuff Time:

You should start watching the United States of Tara. It's simply genius. Toni Collette does an excellent job.

I just started listening to Evelyn Evelyn's new album and I must say it's enjoyable. Give it a listen when you get the chance. We can talk about it :).

Taking my little ones to see "How to Train Your Dragon" tomorrow.

Gone Forever?

Last night/this morning I got into a huge fight with my best friend, Alex. It was over some really juvenile BS that could easily have been avoided. I thought that I had settled the whole tiff between Jason and Alex on Saturday night when we had our reparative meeting/session at Starbucks. Frappuccinos are supposed to heal all wounds... Well, it didn't work. Alex's friends decided to steal Jason's number from his phone and now they're harassing him. Jason is 20 years old and Alex and his friends are 15 years old. They don't know Jason and Alex barely knows Jason. Jason doesn't deserve to be prank called by bothersome, immature, 15 year olds. I was extremely angry when Jason called to tell me what Alex's friends were doing to him. I feel like I'm at fault because I introduced Alex and Jason. I've spoken to Alex before about his friends and he knows that I dislike them, but it really shouldn't concern me because he can choose to hang out with whomever he so chooses. I just don't appreciate that his drama with his friends is trickling over into my life. I don't like drama and the people that it tends to follow.

It made matters worse when I confronted Alex about it and his response was that Jason and I take ourselves too seriously, we should just sit back and wait for his friends to get bored with it. No, sorry, but I won't let anyone think they can push me around. Anyway, the argument didn't go too well and now I'm left confused. I feel like I don't even know him anymore because of the people he chooses to associate with. I don't really understand how he can tell me, emphatically, that he hates them, but then go to the park and kiss their gross teen asses every day after school. I guess I just don't understand fake friendships or why people surround themselves with them. Maybe we aren't meant to be friends.

This is just happening at the wrong time. My mother is on edge so she has the munchies for my happiness and sanity. I'm constantly in other arguments that are all centered around jealousy. I can't spend time with one person without someone else thinking there's some ulterior motive attached to it. I get myself into trouble with every hand movement, hug, step, nod, word, or toe wiggle.

Insanity. I could use some stability, but I hear that it's pretty rare and in consequence extremely expensive...

Miscellaneous Stuff Time:

~There's a moment when I look at you and no speech is left in me: my tongue breaks, fire races through my skin and I tremble and grow pale, for I am dying of such love, or so it seems to me.~

Haven't seen any traces of the hives for two days. I haven't gone outside since yesterday. Maybe it has something to do with coming in to direct contact with the outside world...I wonder what it is that's out there...

We're reading "A Clockwork Orange" in book club now...another book I read over the summer. Glad it was really good. I'm willing to read it again :D.

Ricky Martin has officially come out :).

Day of Silence on April 16, 2010.

I embed hidden links to the song I base my title off of. :). So click my titles from now on for some jams, haha ;).

Cherry Bomb

Days in Review: Turned out I wasn't in such a bad mood the rest of the week after all. Well, it wasn't as bad as I had thought it would be. I was noticeably disturbed on Thursday because my mind was concentrated on my grandmother, but that was expected. Other than that, I was able to get by. I got to go to Senior Spirit night, which was pretty cool. Looking forward to next year! Oh, my friend, Chantanae, bought me an ice cream cake for my birthday and we cut it at our weekly board meeting on Friday. The hives really didn't have any irregular appearances and they weren't as harsh as they usually are. Sign, maybe?

Today: Saturday, March 27, 2010

Today was filled with a bunch of ifs, ands, buts, and maybes. Started with my mum taking me to Roosevelt Field mall. I had planned to, maybe, go to Queens Pride House with a friend, but that fell through. Mum & I turned into a family outing when my sisters, one of my sister's friends, and my grandparents decided to join us. I spent most of the time playing mommy to my little sis and her friend. Little kids are such a handful. The mall was huge, bloated, and chaotic. My grandparents were in shock so I had to constantly tend to them and maneuver the whole gang around the mall. Somehow, the same friend I was going to go to the QPH with ended up at the same mall as me. She asked to meet up, but by the time I successfully fed and herded the flock into a secure place in the food court, she had already left.

*sigh*.

I needed a breather so I strayed, with my little sister following close behind, and hit Hot Topic first. They had a "buy one, get one 1/2 off" sale on band tees but the only shirt I liked enough to possibly shell out 20 bucks for was a Joan Jett one. I called Alex to see if he wanted the one I'd get for half off, but he couldn't choose. So I couldn't find another. Bought a Runaways movie tee instead for $20 (I know...I'll probably regret it next week when I'm totally broke and stranded in Chelsea..poor Yashi...). It wasn't on sale, but, eh, I say it was hella worth it. :D.

Dunno why I'm snarling in the 2nd pic, haha. My inner-Cherie Currie emerging?

After the Hot Topic splurge we checked out the decks at Zumiez. I need a new pair of boarding sneakers but I felt too overwhelmed by the money I just spent on the movie tee and decided against it. Won't be riding for a bit...

Yummy chapstick ;).

I went to tennis practice around 7 and saw Jason. He decided to be the bigger kid and apologize to Alex. What an addition to my happiness that was :D. Since Alex lived near by, I told him to meet me us at practice and we would all go to barnes & noble/starbucks for a reconciliation meeting. I didn't get to spend as much time with them as I had hoped because my mum was really aggravated and decided to change our plans, but the little time I did have ("borrowed time", haha) sufficed. It went well and I expect to be hanging out with the two of them soon.

The baristas at Starbucks were hot...

Hives seem to be pretty excited too. They're all over my hands, arms, and butt cheeks. Really annoyed.

Until next time...<3.

Come Together

Days in Review: This past weekend was a really good one. Let's start with Saturday because that's when all the fun began. I finally got to pick up my copy of Pokemon SoulSilver at BestBuy. I almost couldn't decide between HeartGold and SoulSilver, but I closed my eyes and let the geek inside me guide me. No shame. Pokemon is genius.

After I picked up the game I got to go to practice. I haven't gone in awhile and it was really awkward. New drama had sprouted up and I realized how much I hate being there. If I didn't like tennis as much as I do I wouldn't be going.

Jason and Alex aren't speaking to each other so now I have to think of someone else to bring with me to see Fuerza Bruta if I do get the tickets. This just throws everything out of whack. Now I have to split myself between the two of them. I introduced them because I thought it would solve the problem of me having to choose. Ugh, I shouldn't have expected anything more. Jason is 20 and Alex is only 15. I hope this just blows over. I'm already dealing with enough emotional drama.

Sunday was my birthday and I chose to spend it with Alex. He treated me to sushi for lunch and then we headed to Chelsea in Manhattan. Haha, I've never gone there with him, but I knew he'd love it. After we spent some time there we walked from 8th Avenue to Broadway to check out Forbiddenplanet, an awesome comic book store. It's been some time since my last comic so I decided to take it easy and pick up a variety pack of 10 Trinity comics for $6.

I'm not a DC fan...just a Wonderwoman fanatic :D. Marvel is usually the way to go for me. Next time? After all that we headed over to my favorite stores in East Village (no, not the sex stores) and cruised.

We stopped at a restaurant for some honeydew (left) and mango (right) bubble tea.

Barnes & Noble on Union Turnpike was our last stop. I was pretty tired by then so we just laid down in the basement in the rainbow section. The hives were there towards the end, but no fracking way was I going to let that disrupt my wave. An amazing day. <3.

Today I was in a really terrible mood. My grandmother is going in for heart surgery on Thursday. I just can't fathom how or why this is happening. She was fine when she took me to Europe with my grandfather this past summer...It seemed like she was in better shape than I was. This will be her second surgery in two months. The first one I didn't even know about until after she was out of the O.R. She was in Australia at the time with my grandfather for the Australian Open. Again, I'm not sure how I should feel. She assures me this operation is minor, but of course apprehension remains. She's in her 60's. Anything can happen. She's having the operation in Miami and I'm trying to see if my mum will let me go down there to see her during my spring break next week. I need to see her. I was on edge for most of the day and I will probably be this way for the rest of the week. I couldn't even stand being around anyone during my free period so I went to the library. I had to be alone.

I won't dare cry about it to anyone.

I can't.

I just have to hold on.

That's all.

Just a little bit longer.

For her.

Off With Their Heads!

I'm sitting in Dunkin Donuts sipping on a small white hot chocolate while waiting for my ride. I finally got to see Alice in Wonderland today and I must say...it was pretty darn good. It was a twist on the old story but it was the good kind of twisting. I've been following the production since the beginning and my panties have been in a knot since then. Finally! Finally! :D.

Today was insanely busy at school. I had a half-day but I had to work an event after school so I was there until 5. It was Student vs. Faculty. I enjoyed it and everyone else seemed to enjoy it too. My mind was mostly focused on the night ahead and the movie that it entailed but it was an overall success. The hives were there. I didn't give them the attention they wanted.

After the event we packed up and I headed to Starbucks with a friend. We sat around drinking frapps, mine green tea and theirs strawberries & creme, and just chatting. I don't know if it was the soft lighting or the green in my green tea frapp, but something, somehow, came over me and I finally told someone about my GSA idea. It went over quite smoothly. They were supportive and told me to go for it. It just gave me even more incentive to put the idea into action so I plan on texting my friend about it for a third opinion. :D.

There's so much more I have to say but my thumbs are swollen and my fingers are itchy. Until next time loves. <3.

Honorable Mention : Stacey <3 once again. I just have to let you know how important you are to me. You're my current..and apparently only confidant. Yeah, yeah...I'm getting all sentimental, but I know how to appreciate someone meaningful when need be. And if I could, I would shout your name off of every NY rooftop, but I'd probably be arrested..and then my rep would be ruined, but what I'm trying to freaking say is that I LOVE YOU ! How can a good day be good without The Stace? It can't, duh ;).

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Story Time

This is a piece of a story I wrote during Physics and Math while my teachers were wah-wah-wahing (like the teacher in Charlie Brown). I'm in the car now and I found the paper I wrote it on in my back pocket. I might as well post it...it could have something to do with the hives :O.

Kidding, haha. Hmm, relevant? Irrelevant? Related? Unrelated? The hives are showing up now on my hands...greaaaattt.

I wake up next to you and blink in disbelief. "Am I dreaming?" is my first thought. As the sunlight streams in through the small window opposite my bed, it highlights your every curve. The soft angelic glow that it creates propels forth the memory of the night before. As it all replays in my mind, I resist the urge to reach out and stroke the stray hair away from your face. I don't want to wake you. Holy hell, how beautiful you are. Your lips slightly quiver as you gently place your arm across your chest. I watch your chest rise and fall. I've never found life this intriguing. Suddenly I'm conscious of my own breathing. It is an irregular pattern compared to yours. I stop my breath as you inhale and wait patiently for you to exhale. I'm in awe as we exhale in unison, the perfect harmony. As if you sense my desire, you turn on your side and face me. Even in your sleep you know how to appeal to me more than anyone has before. Your head rests gently under my chin. My arm automatically raises to pull you in closer. The airy scent of intimacy still lingers and I'm grateful for it. I scoot down to have our bodies perfectly aligned even though we're the same height. You're a lively sleeper. Tenderly, I kiss your lips. Your eyes flutter open and you lightly smile. "Good morning." you say simply. A tear escapes my right eye and falls on the sheet under us. "What's wrong?" you ask, frightened. "I-I'm just happy", I say tentatively. You raise your head, kiss the successive tear away, and whisper "Me too".

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Day 26

Days in Review: The day before the funeral I went to see my cousins on my grandfather's side of the family. My little cousin, Nick, is super cute. I just had to post something :D.

The funeral was really awkward. My mum started to tear up as soon as we entered and my sister started to cry when my cousin went up to give her speech. I don't really know what I was feeling; I was completely dazed because I had to take some benadryl. My arms were fully covered in hives that stung. I made it back to the hotel after the repast and immediately felt a bit better. My cousin pulled me out of my room around 12 to show me something she saw from the hotel's window that had us laughing. Better than pay-per-view, haha ;P. Our flight left at 7 the next morning and we were in NY by 11am. The power was out in my neighborhood due to the half rain, half hurricane disaster that hit NY Saturday so we spent some hours in the mall walking around. The movie theater and a lot of stores were out too. The mango-banana smoothie I had made up for it all though :D.

"I get pulled in so easily, so readily...The beating of my heart is an echo of the overwhelming desire that lies within. Can't allow myself to disappear..."

I made a decision. I made a decision, one for the better. One that shattered the very core of my happiness, but it had to be done. I needed to break it in order to rebuild a stronger, more solid, structure. I did what was best even if I knew I'd long for what I was letting go of.

I understand this. I do. I thought I had fully healed that wound; I thought I was ready to start anew.

It hasn't healed and I'm not ready. I'm weak, easily susceptible to the allure of what I thought I had successfully gotten rid of. I'm falling back in. I want to. I don't want to. Can I deal with another rollercoaster ride of emotions? Another bout of intermittent heartache?

We're speaking again...and I enjoy it, look forward to it, a little too much. There's so much history there. I get lost in all of it when we talk. Happiness shrouded in unhappiness.

Move on..?

I want to. I don't want to. I do. I don't.

Miscellaneous Stuff Time:

Navraj got into John Jay. Happy for him.

Stacey's texts make school tolerable. :).

Bombed a Physics test...again. =X

Really enjoying James Baldwin's "Giovanni's Room".

Student vs. Faculty event this Friday.

The Runaways (limited release) and The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo come out this Friday!!! :D

My birthday is on Sunday and I haven't decided what I want to do.

GLAAD awards :D

10-Year-Old Will Phillips' Moving Speech at the GLAAD Awards. (Found on Afterellen)

Day 23

Days in Review: On Monday we began our official practices outdoors on our school's tennis courts. My hands were swollen and itchy by the time five o'clock came around but I was still anxious to play. Turned out my mum wasn't able to get my medical in on time and I wasn't able to stay for practice. In a fitful rage I took the bus home. My mind was mainly focused on the anger so I dropped my metrocard without realizing it. Gah, I reported it the next day and I won't be able to get a replacement until next week Tuesday. Bummed about that. The hives are now starting to show up during random times of the day, which is new and just another addition to my plethora of problems.

Even though Monday was a major FAIL, Tuesday was a bit brighter. A friend brought me a huge movie poster for The Runaways (limited release March 19) as an early birthday present. She said that is was a leftover from her Aunt's restaurant, but I still think she stole it ;P. It was really unexpected but I love the poster and I really appreciate the thought. I still haven't decided where to put it. It's about the size of my bed and I have a limited amount of wall space. I'll probably end up posting it on my celing or using the slanted wall in my closet. I'll post pics when it's done.

I finally got to practice outside and I think I played well considering the terrible shape the courts are in. There are huge crevices on most of the courts and I think they're paved with asphalt, which makes the bounce and spin on the ball decrease significantly. Despite the crap, I enjoyed just hitting with the team again.

After practice I met Navraj at Wendy's and we chatted for a bit. He told me he got into York College but he's still waiting for the acceptance letters from two other schools. It suddenly dawned on me that mostly everyone that I have fun with in school is graduating this year. Everyone is moving on...I'll miss them but I'm happy for them.

Tuesday was also the day I was randomly kissed in front of half of my Math class and my Math teacher. I think kissed is the wrong word to use...it was more of an assault on my lips. Total violation of space, comfort zone completely smashed, mental stability at that point was wrecked. Okay, so it was kind of like a bird pokemon using peck. She did it quickly and swiftly and I was left in disarray. Even after the attack I walked alongside her as she told me my chapstick tasted good. I don't know why I attract the obsessives. I just don't push people way often enough. It's actually all pretty funny. Haha, it's even funnier now that as I'm typing this Jen Foster's "I Didn't Just Kiss Her" just began playing in itunes..

All in all it was just one bizarre Tuesday.

I'm glad I'm finally in Florida :). Well, I'm here for a funeral. I haven't lost sight of that, but I'm glad I'm away. I told my cousin something I've been meaning to say as the plane took off and she was super casual about it. I didn't expect such a receptive response, but I'm relieved it played out the way it did. Gives me more confidence.

My hair frizzed up 5 seconds after I got off of the plane..Florida is really muggy. The air is thick and stifling. It really makes everything smell weird. Don't think I'll make it until Sunday with my mum. There's bound to be some unprecedented brawling action. Florida is a new place with new arguements...

Miscellaneous Stuff Time:

In 9 more days I can watch rated R movies in theaters....legally. No more sneaking around with older friends. First on my list is The Runaways, of course :D.

I woke up WITH hives. That's a first. Not really liking the idea of day hives...I prefer their nocturnal appearances. At least I can hide in the shadows then.

What kind of hotel doesn't have wifi? A wack one. Don't go to a wack hotel. Especially with 10 other family members.

Funerals are crowded.

Planning to visit a friend at SUNY Purchase..car by then? Wishful thinking. I'll end up taking the train. There's no way I'm not going.

I've only missed two days of school and I already feel like I miss people. Most notably Helen :). Weird how I'm always saying I hate school...but I guess spending time with family can do that to a person. Especially when it's my family.

The End.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Day 19

Day 18 Review: I went to bed around 12:30 because I wanted to stay up for the Oscars. There were only a few hives on my cheeks and upper thighs...I wish it was like that most days, well not the cheek part, just the "a few" part....

What is wrong with me?? Why do I seem to ignore the people I like the most? I screwed up big time today. All I had to do is say a simple "HI!". Why is that so hard for me? Hope I didn't push away a probable great friend. If only I could say what I want to truly say, speak the way I want to truly speak, be who I truly am. Now I'm even more conflicted and torn apart inside. Luckily my exterior doesn't mirror the interior. I'm tattered, tired, and ragged on the inside, but on the outside I try hard to be as upbeat and composed as I can successfully muster. I use cheerful facial expressions and common phrases to mask the lackluster me I am. Bright side? I'm starting to understand some part of Physics...

The hives were abnormally early today. They appeared around 1pm - 2pm, starting on my hands. They're now slowly crawling up my arms. I can't even bother take off my jeans, I know they're under there too...

Miscellaneous Stuff Time:

I got an unusual amount of compliments today. Compliments always make me feel uncomfortable. I feel like every compliment is sarcastic. They're really just trying to tell me there's lettuce in my teeth...

Had a weird dream about my English teacher...:S.

I started thinking about the possibilities of next year. Lots of responsibility.

Started my campaign for S.O. President next year. I'm being forced to run, but I think I'll like the job. It'll keep me occupied and distance me from all the other chaos.

Day 18

Days In Review: So this week was pretty hectic. I haven't been able to update in a few days because either I've been busy or my wrists were severely swollen. I've had some pretty serious cravings for candy lately but I was able to fight them off until Monday. I completely broke down and bought some M&Ms and of course that night I suffered. My back was itching me and I was ready to rub up against my bedroom carpet like a cat. As if I didn't learn my lesson, I ate some skittles thursday during lunch and by 5 I was limping. It was Open Mic night at my school and I had to help make sure things went smoothly. It was tough walking up and down the aisles when I could barely bend my right knee. I still enjoyed it. The performances were fun and lighthearted. Besides, it was kind of fun when the hives appeared and my friend freaked out and thought they were contagious. =D. I refused to let them ruin my week. I even got to play at Queens College on Friday.


Today was a pretty long day. I stayed home, but it seemed like it would never end. My great-grandmother (on my mum's side) died Thursday morning. The funeral is in Florida this Saturday. I'm not really sure how I should feel. I don't really remember her because she's been sick for awhile. Death isn't something I'm familiar with. I keep looking for indications or signs as to how I'm supposed to feel through my mum's emotions. She seems to be taking it well. I don't know. Is there some kind of funeral etiquette? Hmm, I'm not really looking forward to it, but why would I be? Lost, once again...


While my mother was out shopping with my little sis, Jovine, I got to spend some quality time with my other little sis, Maya. It was a nice feeling knowing it was just us. She taught me how to make her version of smores, which is just two unsalted saltine crackers with three marshmellows in between. It was adorable and strangely delicious.

That neck lump is still there...Why haven't I gone to doctor yet?

Miscellaneous Stuff Time:

Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland starring Helena Bonham Carter and Johnny Depp came out in theaters on Friday =D:

The soundtrack to AIW is awesome. I'm definitely picking up a copy of the CD.


After following the making of The Runaways for some time now it's almost here ! :

Starring Kristen Stewart as Joan Jett and Dakota Fanning as Cherie Currie :).

The Oscars are tonight. My favorites are UP and Inglorious Basterds.

I'm leaving for Florida on Thursday and I have to speak at the funeral on Saturday...

Oh there was a poker tournament in Berlin that was robbed of $1.1 million on live TV. Craziness.

Day 12

Days in Review - Wow, I felt like my old self again. I thought the hives were gone but my mind was playing tricks on me. They just weren't as prevalent. They showed up yesterday night when I was getting dressed for tennis and they ruined everything. This sucks, not that I need to really say that. Grandparents are sending me to an allergist soon. I hope all of this will clear up quickly because my school's tennis season is starting up and I can't serve with carrot fingers.

I'm watching the Kim Clijsters/ Venus Williams final special exhibition match thingy now with Stacey :]. My funlove, Jason, is there...in the sixth row...Jealous? Yes, I am. I'm so hyper I don't even know what to type...I could really go for a red bull right now...

So yeah. Today I had my first practice of the spring season with the school's tennis team. It wasn't really productive because all we did was hit against wooden partitions in one part of our school's gym. I didn't have my medical filled out so our coach told me not to practice too hard because she's responsible for my limbs and well-being and what not. We have a cool new female assistant coach with a mullet and a great attitude that I'm enjoying. Nevertheless, I had some killer fun. It was just a nice feeling, a sense of belonging, playing with the team again. Even though my hands were covered in hives and my ankles were doing that pain thing again, I stuck it out and jumped around as high as can be. You make the best of the good times, they're rare. The only low point was when our harpy shrew of a principal came in with her secretary and kicked us out. She has some kind of personal vendetta against all sports teams. She's probably just a product of severe dodgeball abuse or had a bad experience in "the showers" (which makes me think of Stephen King's "Carrie"). Whatever the reason, she's annoying me and I plan on bringing up the issue at our next consultative council meeting. Crude evil dictator will get what's coming to her, shazaampowhiyah!

Hmm what else...I'm also considerably upbeat because a special friend of mine, who I know reads this blog ;], finally called me back and accepted my apology! There's nothing like a good friend and reconciliation at 9:00 PM.

Despite all the gayness, the hives are trying to stomp it out by appearing and making my pyjama pants feel uncomfortable. It's okay, boxers and socks are good enough for me. I took a few pics because people are still a little confused. Don't be too grossed out. I'm okay in the morning!

Eek! I know, I know...Shield your eyes for a few seconds. Look away. Yes, that was a blackberry. Now look back. Nope, not for that long, look away again. Okay, look back at 'em. That's not even half of it. I feel like I should be gigantic and just go and terrorize the many inhabitants of Japan (Godzilla), but I don't think they would enjoy that...

Miscellaneous Stuff Time:

We had our 2nd snow day of the year here in NY on Friday, February 27, 2010.

Open Mic is this Thursday (3/4/2010) and I was thinking about reciting this POEM:

You said that I was Queen of the kingdom in your heart.
A title, you said, given to me by divine right.
When you said these words I let myself believe.
And so my mind transported me into your heart with ease.

I was a passive ruler who ruled happily.
Everything seemed to be too perfect to be true.
It brought me great joy to know that I was your main squeeze.
So when your ex-lover showed up it didn’t even phase me.

I was confident in who I was and what we had become.
The words you once spoke gave me impenetrable strength.
I was steadfast in my position as I glared into her eyes.
She looked back coldly, as if she envisioned my demise.

I was taken aback. She seemed so sure!
Did she know something I didn’t know? Did she know more?
My body began to tremble as my breathing became uneven.
All the while staring into the eyes of that cretin.

She stood there, unmoving, with the same confidence I once had.
A smile so wicked, stretching across her revolting face.
The tremors ceased and I was ripped from the throne.
I clenched my eyes shut as I let out a thunderous moan.

I flew through the air until my back hit a wall.
Pain shooting through me as I opened my eyes.
My eyes scanned the kingdom and I let out a tear.
That witch was sitting on my throne with her perfect derriere.

The wall opened up and I fell through easily.
Everything was dark as I felt around aimlessly.
I soon gave up and let the darkness swallow me whole.
What’s the point in trying if you’ve already taken my soul?


It isn't gangster or anything, but I didn't write for awhile when I wrote it and everything else I have is just too dark. Then...I think not.

Clijsters is definitely going to beat V. Williams!!! <3333

Day 7

I haven't been able to write anything because of my school schedule and my internet was unexpectadley down for two days. Luckily, no nightly outstanding symptoms appeared and no new additions to my food & body log within the past few days. Just the norm. (Luckily...)

Today I had to teach 2nd graders how a community works. It was a full school day session comprised of 5 separate main points/lessons. I was a little nervous at first. Kids are always a handful. You never know what to expect when it comes to little ones. They never cease to surprise me. I'm glad I had a partner there to help control the flow of things. The kids were pretty interactive and seemed to throughly enjoy what we were teaching them. Everything was fluid and they were so amazingly adorable. Our school was given this opportunity through a program called Junior Achievement. I had a good idea of how to handle them because I worked with a youth tennis camp over the summer. It definitely beat AP US History and Physics....

I've had this lost feeling for awhile, like I'm floating in a sea of nothing. I'm just tired of the monotony of going to school every day, listening to imitations of insipid convos, and acting as if it's all interesting to me. It's gotten to the point where I'm so used to putting on this facade that when I actually meet someone in school that I like I'm so stunned that I don't even know what to say. I'm hidden and it has been the death of a great amount of my out-of-school relationships. Outside of school, with authentic friends, I'm free to be who I am and I take full advantage of that. As soon as I step inside those huge welded doors, I confine my true self and someone else emerges. That someone else isn't a horrible person or anything, it just isn't me. I only let out tidbits of who I really am to the golden few I've met. What's wrong with me...

Ugh, maybe it's just me. I need to branch out and just express myself. Release those oppressive shackles and run around emotionally naked, without that huge mental barrier I've built over the years.

Screw it, I'll be me for a change. ;)

Food & Body Log Time:

12:35 AM -2 vanilla creme cookies
- One slice of pizza

3:30 PM - Cup of french vanilla coffee with skim milk

4:00 PM - Starburst Gummi...thingies.

6:50 PM - Lasagna

Miscellaneous Stuff Time:

I'm super tired. After the JA thing I walked around with a friend. My feet are dead.

Flats are evil.



Took a pocket knife from a little kid on the bus today.


My buddy Navraj kept winning the lottery.




Hmm...what should I write.

I feel broadway deprived. Hope I can go and see something with Jason or Alex.

I have to make a phone call tonight explaining why things sometimes naturally have to end...it's going to be tough.

Day 3

Day 2 Reflection: Yesterday was pretty chill. I didn't get to go to practice but I slept for an astounding 7 (SEVEN) full hours. I didn't wake up and walk around in the dark or throw the covers off because they felt stifling or use my phone to look around for 2 hours in complete darkness. Ha, that was quite an accomplishment. My ankles throbbed and my fingers were fatter than normal, but nothing alarming occurred. I could walk. I could text. I could smile. Maybe I just felt good about myself because I ended the night with great conversation. ;). Thanks, Alex. Who knows, but it's a rare moment amid the anguish when I'm able to say I was truly happy yesterday.

I've been thinking about the beginning. The true beginning of all of this and how it has progressively worsened over time. The first signs of something wrong sprung up 2-3 months ago. I had just gotten over a cold and my face along with my nail beds had begun to feel like they were being pricked with a thousand little needles. After about a week of dealing with the continual faux acupuncture I was thoroughly annoyed and started to complain to my mum. She responded by taking me to our doctor. Doc took a few good minutes of evaluation, diagnosed the pain as an allergic reaction, prescribed me antibiotics and anti-itch meds, and gave me a lollipop.

Three weeks later and the itchy face and nail beds are gone, but now I was getting little red spots all over my hands every night. I wasn't familiar with hives at the time so I thought I was dying or something. I quickly googled the mysterious red pockmarks and relaxed. They were only on my hands and only appeared at night. I thought they'd stop coming altogether over time. As time went on I started to notice large, red, raised patches on my legs. They stung and made it one hell of a task to sit down.

They must have gotten over their "shy" phase because they're rather bold now. Though it's mostly a nocturnal occurrence, it still makes it hard to enjoy the simple things throughout the day. I wake up with no marks but depending on the severity of the night before my skin can still be very sensitive and raw. It's only harder because it's not only affecting my skin but also my muscles. I'll wake up and can't move my wrist or knee or shoulder for most of the day.

I'm just fed up. Did I mention there's some kind of hard lump in my neck? I should probably get it checked out. I'm hoping it's just the cause of an infection due to the antibiotics I was on or benign cyst at worst. I'm seriously NOT up for cancer.

How long will it take for whatever this is to start messing with my mind too?

Food & Body Log Time:

11:00 AM - Soy patty (courtesy of my loving grandmother)

12:30 PM - Cup of tea sweetened with sugar & 1% skim milk.

1:32 PM - Grapes (Seedless, thankfully)

2:27 PM - Mac & Cheese (Chef Jovine)

4:41 PM - Slice of apple crumb pie (ugh, gross!)

4:51 PM - Cup of pineapple flavored Fanta soda

6:30 PM - Cup-a-noodle soup (Sodium-filled. =X. Could the salt be it?)

9:10 PM - First sign of hives on both forearms & face.
- Pain in right elbow & ankles.
- Rough night ahead?

11:00 PM - Left hand middle finger swollen
- Began watching The Silence of the Lambs with Lacey ! :).

Miscellaneous Stuff Time:

Jovine's friend Janae came over around 2 PM to work on a school project or something. She's still here. Looks like she's going to spend the night. Great...

Haha, watched RuPaul's Drag Race on LOGO with my mum and she complained about me having her watch all of these gay shows.

Queer goodness.

I was really looking forward to actually stepping outside and going to the movie theater to see Shutter Island.

Someone sparked my museum craving once again. I miss art.

Why do people cheat so terribly? They never get away with it on Cheaters.

Started a new book, "Giovanni's Room" by James Baldwin.

I probably should proofread this....oh well. It's late.

Day 2

Day 1 Reflection: Besides the not being able to walk situation, it wasn't that bad. I've had worse nights. The pain was bearable. I could text, which is always and forever a plus :). There weren't that many hives on my hands or arms. They were mostly concentrated on my legs. My arms were capable of flailing motions. If I got thirsty I could have yelled for one of those other kids my mother had. I got more sleep than the night before. Hope tonight is better. Tennis on Fridays at Queens College...I'd really like to play.

In those moments after I just wake up from a fitful, useless, 3-hour sleep, I think. Since last night was one of those nights, I silently gazed into the darkness and patiently waited for the thoughts to begin flowing. The topic of last night was, surprisingly, shoes. The high-heeled kind. I tried to think about what kind of pain would be similar to what I was feeling at that moment and could only think about women who stomp on the hard pavement of Manhattan's busy streets daily wearing high heels.

Though these shoes are aesthetically beautiful, structurally magnificent, and ridiculously expensive, they're foot death traps. I just can't seem to get over how painful they must be if someone were to walk all day in them. They weren't created for comfort, they were created for show. I guess it's art, tragically painful but beautiful art. My inner NYC Walstreet business woman is drawn to them, but until that time comes...I'm playing it safe with my trusty Converses.

The pain wasn't bad when I woke up this morning. I was a little wobbly on my feet since they were still swollen.

Food & Body Log Time:

11:00 AM - Honey Comb Cinna-Graham cereal. No milk this time.

11:25 AM - Made a sandwich using 2 slices of soft honey wheat bread, mustard, turkey cold cuts.
-Ended up rethinking the turkey and used sharp white cheddar cheese instead.
-Best decision I made all day.

12:19 AM - Edy's Lemonade fruit bar thingy.

6:19 PM - First sign of hives on face.
- A few on upper back/ shoulders.

6:28 PM - Polly-O Cheesestick
- DDR with my little sis.

6:50 PM - Dole Mandarin Oranges in light syrup.

8:04 PM - Minor pain in ankles.
- Feet still swollen from the night before.

10:10 PM - 2nd cup of black tea sweetened with regular sugar and soy milk.
- First around 9:30 PM
-Cheesestick

Miscellaneous Stuff Time:

I really miss Gil Grissom (William Petersen) from CSI. Laurence Fishburne just can't compete.

The apples they sell at many of the supermarkets in Queens suck and taste dreadful.

Should have drank coffee today. It's only 8 and I'm feeling tired.

Why do people like to start arguments and then get mad at you for arguing?

Mobilizing It

Just testing out how my blackberry works when I feel like blogging useless nothings on the go. ;)

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Day 1

First entry! Ugh. Alright, so my mum has been pestering me about starting a food log to help determine what I'm suddenly allergic to. It's just tedious to have to record everything you eat onto a piece of paper so I kept putting it off. I guess the nightly pain I'm afflicted with finally got to me after a month and a half of enduring its crap. It was in full force last night. My legs were covered in hives. The index finger on my right hand was swollen, resembling a grape (one of those large ones you have to bite in half to get the seeds out). My left arm was practically useless which made texting on my blackberry complicated. I was really tweaked about that =/. Oh, and my right cheek kinda looked like the girl who woke up with 56 stars tattooed on her face.

Hmm, I guess I got over the whole feeling sorry for myself thing and decided I needed to take action. It's messing up my ability to text! I'm hoping this blog will help me stick with the food log. I'll explain and post pics as time goes by.

...There's also a strange hard lump on the left side of my neck about 3 inches above my collarbone that strangely appeared 3 weeks ago. Related to the allergies or just some kind of infection or a cyst or ...something more serious?

Food & Body Log Time:

11:11 AM - Bowl of Cinna-Graham Honey Comb cereal w/ 1% skim milk.
- Everything is magically gone, unsurprisingly.
- Arms were a bit itchy this morning, as always. Probably just an after effect of the night before.

12:09 AM - Made myself a cup of coffee sweetened with 3 tablets of Splenda and a plop of regular soy milk.

12:14 AM - Polly-O cheesestick (which was mildly satisfying).

2:30 PM - No sign of those evil hives.
- Still itching.

2:38 PM - Couldn't stop itching so I tried to take a HYDROXYZINE tablet my doctor prescribed but failed and spit it up instead.
- Put hydrocortisone cream on itchy areas (upper arms, lower back).

3:30 PM - Wrist and ankle a little itchy.

4:46 PM - More coffee but this time 2 splenda tablets and a plop of soy milk.

5:30 PM - First sign of hives on upper outer left thigh and lower part of inner right thigh.
- Upper arms red and still itchy.

6:46 PM - Hives now on both legs on my inner calves. Slight cramp-like feeling in both bottom legs.

7:30 PM - Butterscotch custard pudding thingy.

8:47 PM - I went downstairs around 8 and got up to greet my mum. Could barely walk up the stairs.
- Pain has progressed to my ankles and rendered me practically immobile for the rest of the night.
- Oh joy!

9:00 PM - At least my mother brought home pizza. :)

9:54 PM - Made it downstairs in 5 minutes.
- Mother and I noticed a huge swelling lump on the upper part of my foot.
- Looks like this is how the horrid night ends.
- Maybe I'll get some sleep :). Maybe.

Miscellaneous Stuff Time:

I've been stuck in the house the entire week taking care of my two little sisters.

I can't eat any of the stuff I used to enjoy eating, I mean I had one fracking caramel macchiato on Sunday night and it's like I'm convulsing on the floor in Barnes and Noble.

Nothing good ever comes on TV when you actually have the time to watch it and that pisses me off.

Monkeyfuck: Lighting a cigarette from an already lit bud. According to Urban Dictionary. Searched it because of an episode from "United States of Tara".

Worst. Vacation. Ever.